13 February 2012

Minimum wage, maybe?

"Call mom and Josie. We are not paying great. We love you."

I don't know what she said. I didn't listen to the message. Whatever it was she said, Google Voice made the uncanny observation that she is not paying great. This is true.

+20 Google: When do I get paid?
-10 mom: Still in the third person.

You can always go Downtown.

"Hi Janice is cannot then I want to see if you would want to use a and go to the short bill chomped museum. It's a little bit better. I can deposit that one can keep an eye on the other one a little bit easier than at the downtown one the shop. One is by the whole to just a little 564 So it's about 7 o'clock now heading off to my go to class if you were call back. I would appreciate that. Otherwise I guess I'll see you at down phone. So I'll touch base with you in the morning. Just to confirm which location alright. Thanks so much, bye"

+10 Google: For founding the Short Bill Chomped Museum.
-500 people who live in Short Pump: The Science Museum on Broad is NOT "DOWNTOWN."
-10 Google: "Janice." Thanks.

09 February 2012


"Hello this google voice work goodbye."

I'll skip the IPA transcription because this one is easy:
"Hello, does Google Voice work? Goodbye."

-10 Google Voice: Punctuation!
-10 Google Voice: Capitalization of Proper Nouns unless...is "google" officially spelled with a lowercase "g"? And why do red misspelling alert squiggles show up under it?
+10 livresque: I got my new phone hooked back up to this service.

18 January 2012

Thanks me home!

Mom is. Thanks me home. It's Wednesday around 12. 45. Call me after your new job starts. Bye.

-10 Mom: She still doesn't get that the phones tell us what time the call comes in.
-10 Google Voice: "Thanks" is a transitive verb, but you can't "thanks me home."
+1,000 livresque: New job!

17 January 2012

It is ON.

Hey Jamie, and it's on. Josie returning your call from yesterday evening, call me back. I'm home about another I'll be in town for about another hour that'll go out and do my walk and then I'll be in the rest of the evening. Alright love you, bye.

-10 Google Voice: Not one correct proper name.
+10 Homeland Security: It's on!!

02 January 2012

What's with the two digit numbers?

"Hello. I'm back 60 and on monday. So give me a call when you get this message."

First, 50 information? Now, 60 and on monday?

-10 Google Voice: Monday is always capitalized, unlike some renegade proper (cough, bookface, cough) nouns. You'd never make it in Germany.

The Knowledge of Urgency

"Call Mom Knowing urgency. Love you."

This has got to be technically impossible. I can't think of a single time I've ever known urgency when calling my mother. In fact, the opposite is closer to the truth. The result of this so-called urgency was actually to let me know about her new pan for making Madeleines. To her credit, they were yummy, and she used rose water instead of lemon or vanilla, which ended up being quite tasty.

-2 Google Voice: for random capitalization.
-5 my mom: Still using the third person. Next stop, the royal "we?"

A Message for You, Rudy.

"Please tell Peter 50 information. Thank you. Love you bye."

Okay, a message for you, Peter. I told him, "50 information," but it didn't mean anything to him, either.

And I'll tell you what my mother said instead of "50 information." She said, "the tea is delicious."

This makes sense. He gave her tea for Christmas.

-10 Google Voice: for completely useless transcription
+2 Google Voice: for suggesting fifty information

01 January 2012

Consolidation Nation: Yo Mama Message Digest

"Mom is going to stay 1 more day and night in Roanoke. I will return to Richmond on Wednesday. Joe is picking up kids now at 2:30 Wednesday call home. Call mom's. I love you bye."

My mother is still speaking in the third person. Still unaware of Minimalist Caller ID.

"You can Saturday morning. Genie and and I'm worried about you. Please call bye bye."

All your Saturday mornings can belong to us.

"Call mom grant Josie. As soon as you get this message. It is almost 530 on Friday evening. J the number is 867-5309 bye."

Any guesses on who Grant Josie is? Call her!

"Call mom, and call your brother Joey. It's worried, bye. "

Almost the perfect message! We are getting somewhere with brevity! But what is..."it?" Aaand I'm pretty sure I don't have a brother named Joey. I feel like if I did, he would look like Dave Coulier. Cut it out!

"Yo Momma is now safely in round of some is driving, not much traffic. Some would work on interstate bye."

Definitely not safe to talk on the phone in round of some is driving. She's a scary Yo Mama driver to begin with.

New insult to add to your collection of Yo Mama jokes:

Yo Momma so safely, some would work on interstate!

Auld Lang Syne

"Mom invite you and Peter. 2. New Years Eve supper on Saturday evening, early, call back."

Robbie Burns and my mother have one thing in common: neither speaks any recognized variety of standard English in 2012.

Ever since I showed her how the Google Voice transcriptions work, she has made many a conscious effort to shorten her messages*, and apparently the latest trend involves a patois with the primary rule being elision or deletion of verbs.

Now, Robert Burns did not invent elision, but his use of it, according to our data, is based on the pronunciation of words like "of" in the following seasonally appropriate chorus:

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet**,
for auld lang syne.

As you can see, Robbie's elision was the result of the native pronunciation of his Scotch English, but my mother's is the result of her naïve theory of transcript physics. I'll wager it has something to do with Infantile Omnipotence of Thinking, but we'll save that for another post.

The Score:
-2 for Google Voice: using the number 2 instead of the preposition "to."
-3 for punctuation: "New Year's" = possessive. Is Google one of those people who can't tell the difference between "it's" and "its."***
+5 for human growth and development

*Although she still doesn't realize my Minimalist Golden Rule of Leaving a Message that Means Simply Call Me Back When You Can, which can be accomplished Simply By Calling Me Because I Have Caller-ID Like the Rest of the World, Minimalists Included.
wiːl tɑk ə kʌp ə kəin.nəs jɛt
***Sadly includes a dear friend of mine who teaches first grade.